Wednesday, June 9, 2010


"You do. What you tell me about in the nights. That is not love. That is only passion and lust. When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve."
-e. hemmingway

i am so

1 and 1/2 years later today was the last day of my internship. pretty crazy. interesting, shattering, and through thousands of rebirths there has been some sort of dynamic shift, though it hasnt completely developed im in quite and interesting place.

how is it i have learned so much about you- the things you dont "know"- i, understanding how much more there is to know, finding everyone to be exceedingly retarded. reminds me of the einstein quote. more or less. it is really becoming an annoyance to my personal happiness being so disgusted by certain human behavior and how far away we have come from knowing ourselves and others by allowing this infestation of distraction take over our lives.

i think you all need to buck the fuck up, grab your balls or knockers and stop being such a pussy. there are worse things out there. but it seems so many are so self consumed. you cowards. pft.

Monday, November 30, 2009

"youth is wasted on the young"

perhaps. though i cant help but have two different viewpoints. this inner conflict of truth, though its not really; maybe instead it is a matter of free will or maybe it is free will vs. predetermination. my train of thought, though intelligible to me seems to not be able to find the language to describe emotion or feeling. i've been youtubing waking life for the past 2 hours (in which time i could have watched the whole movie again, which is something i have been meaning to do as i find in life somehow you relate in different ways, understanding themes/subjects in a different light/perspective as you gain experience and grow) and coming back from these tangents i have a tendency to divert upon here is what i mean about language:

and so anyhow, what is it then that led george bernard shaw to make such a statement? could it be true? does the angst and for the most part horrific events (if you are so lucky to experience them, seriously, which is what i present as the very dilemma) of the collaboration of past events and experiences which created ones experience of adolescents and young adulthood hold you back? has the time been wasted away in melancholy and distress? have we gone so far beyond reality, what the world has to offer, what we have to offer that our youth has been wasted? the experience deemed unworthy and implied as a shame? to a certain extent in looking at this from the perspective george over here, yes we are at our peak of physical fitness/stamina, the world is always at our fingertips although we push this to the side and focus soley on our own fables of life that we believe at the time to revolve around ourselves- but what about the experience? how could it have been "wasted"? its true that perhaps we dwell too long, we dont know much about life yet, maybe we havent grown "wise" yet but such is the beauty of life, no?

i have found my greatest strengths come from my greatest sorrows. my courage from the lack their of, my soul and spirit from not giving a shit, my respect from having none, my love from being without, the beauty of life from watching death... has this not made me grow? is this experience to be considered something that was a waste of my time? should i have become another one of those people? someone who has nothing and only adds to the populace?

youth is not wasted on the young; it is true if we had more life experience we probably would have taken more advantage of our youthful days but here's the deal... we dont. point being, how can something that is so intricately woven as something human (experience in whatever form) ever be wasted at all? and i think this is where self determination and free will kicks in. it seems to me that the concept of predetermination can be all of the events and experiences where one has no control over the situation- you have simply done what you can, it did/didnt work for whatever reason and no matter how hard you push it is like the universe is slapping you in the face with a big fuckin NO in the end. that maybe can be predetermination (im not g-d, i dont know and anyone who will tell you they do is completely disillusioned or has a false sense of security they hold onto so as to not take responsibility for ones actions. the fact of the matter is, we have these experiences where there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except for ONE IMPORTANT CONCEPT: you can always learn. now here is where you either become like all those other mindless people in the world or when you make probably one of the most significant changes in your life. from everything we see as a curse there is a blessing, the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to change. this is free will- this is where your universe, the reality you create for yourself manifests.

the real question stands:
what will you choose?
was it worth it?

hint: the answer is “Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.” and absolutely.

a conviction

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”

Saturday, October 31, 2009


im feeling somewhat confused or rather at a loss im not really quite sure what is going on its like the days are blurred together and every one i say well tomorrow, well tomorrow and then tomorrow is here and then it becomes yesterday and now i just keep going thinking about these sorts of things about not smoking cigarettes standing on my porch debating myself when i give in anyway in t he swiftest motion. when language stops you can just go go go and not think or do. im really very tired.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Great Spirit Prayer:

"Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the wind,
Whose breath gives life to all the world.
Hear me; I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made and my ears sharp to hear your voice
Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have taught my people.
Help me to remain calm and strong in the face of all that comes towards me.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.
Help me seek pure thoughts and act with the intention of helping others.
Help me find compassion without empathy overwhelming me.
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy
Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and straight eyes.
So when life fades, as the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

if i have ever done anything to hurt you

please find it in your heart to forgive me for i am truly and utterly beyond words, sorry.

“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.”

“How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.”

keep on believing:

everything is alive so that I can be alive:
without moving I can see it all:
in your life I see everything that lives.